It’s arrived.
I knew the day would eventually come when I would regain my ability to make decisions. It came without sudden impetus or warning; I simply realized that I had some long overdue decisions to make, and while I’m not excited about them, I need to get them over with. These are the last few remnants of the engaged me, the pre-abandoned bride, just dangling there in my consciousness, previously too sensitive to touch. However, I can now see that they’re blocking my view of the future. There are other decisions to be made in my life and forward progress to be made. But I first have to take care of the following three things:
- I need to sell my wedding dress. Let’s be honest: there is no sane scenario in which some future stunning suitor asks me to marry him and I say, “Yes! I will! And guess what? I have a perfectly fine, cryogentically frozen dress that I’ve been worshiping since I bought it to marry some other guy years ago!” Madness. Keeping the dress is madness. There is no walking down the aisle in an old dress that was christened with tears. I’m a new me. I suspect if I’m ever engaged again I will be an even newer me by that point. Moving on.
- The dog custody issue must be resolved. First of all, I’m beginning to see signs of stress and instability in their behavior. This is unacceptable to me. Also, I’m ready to sever my last ties to him, and they are that tie. Though I don’t see him, he still comes to my house to drop them off. We still have to arrange schedules via email. I can envision the scene where they are dropped off for the last time, and though there will be sadness, I will feel great satisfaction in asking for my house key back and closing the door behind him. I don’t know what the final arrangement will be (though I have my own ideas, of course), but we’ve already scheduled the talk, and I’m feeling really ready for it.
- It’s time for me to move on from this blog, at least in this form. I’m ready to shed the identity of the Abandoned Bride. That’s simply not me anymore. While my writing has been the perfect catharsis for me for the last few months, I’m finding myself framing life through this lens a bit too often, using it as a crutch even. I may change the theme of the blog and continue; I may not. I think I’ll give myself a little time to think about it. But I have other writing projects I’m eager to finish and get started on, and if I’ve learned anything this year it’s that there’s simply no time to waste planning when you can be doing.
This blog has been invaluable to me, mainly because of the connections I’ve been able to make with women in similar situations. There’s no group to join or easy-to-find community to seek out when you’re suffering from a broken engagement. This site has helped me in that it felt like we built that community a bit here. I hope that no readers feel like I’m the one doing the abandoning now. Please feel free to continue to comment away and contact me at any time at theworstpart.com at gmail.com. But also, when you start to feel something tugging at your heart to move on, be sure to listen.
That is what I’m trying to do now. My life is going to be a lot different in 2009. It’s going to be a challenge in many ways - some that I can see coming, and I’m sure more that I’m not aware of. But I don’t want to meet those challenges as a broken woman with a secret pain in her heart. When things get tough, it’s far too easy to let that be my excuse. As far as I’m concerned, the relationship that ended for me last May has hindered me enough for one lifetime. I’m going to spend the next stage of my life concentrating on my own success and happiness, and not as the Abandoned Bride, but as Natalie. Because if there is one thing I know about her it’s that she doesn’t need to hide behind a fake name or a scarred heart.
And hello, I’m Natalie. It’s nice to meet you.